I think we go searching for things when we feel like our base may not hold; or when our gut feeling is that our gut feels off; or even when what we held as certain no longer even seems possible.
I used to write down these words a lot in notes, “I want to be a galaxy” it would go, “Babe, I want to be your galaxy”. Or sometimes I would write, “I want to be a mountain” and I would mean one of the ones with the deep rivers ‘round it with the dirt that looked real and right; the kind you flew over on your way back to the sun. Sometimes the notes went simply, “I hope you climb that mountain” and were sent to the ones I loved, usually in texts on birthdays with a Beach Boys YouTube like Feel Flows attached and all the sentiment that goes with it.
I’m not sure anymore what they even meant back then, those mountain words specifically, other than I think I thought it would be nice to be closer to where the good action was crackin’ at, where everyday was the day you got up with the ones you love and do all the things that feel spot on. You make eggs. You make eggs together. I felt that I might have known back then how to get to there. I feel less sure now – which to some degree, is a relief.
Alissa saved an image of the goddess of Vajrayogini on her phone. She has been sent the image by the hypnotist her brother had hired her, in a bid to get Alissa to quit smoking. The session itself had seemed rather plain, less trippy than Alissa had hoped for. In fact all she remembered from it aside from losing her bike on the way home and feeling sensations of fogginess all around, was being asked multiple times over as she dropped in and out of consciousness, “Do you want to be a goddess?” Yes. YES. And then, “Well, tell me this, Alissa – do you think goddesses smoke?” Shortly after, Alissa kicked her pack-or-so-a-day habit by clinging to this simple ideology. She was particularly taken with the image of Vajrayogini whose form and mandala she found empowering, even just on the screen of her phone. Indeed, it was the visual metaphors that sung most to her – V’s red body that signified her blazing inner fire, V’s two arms that allowed her to accept life’s two truths and in particular, the symbolic knife and cup of blood Vajrayogini held in her hands that Google relayed was meant to remind one of V’s power to cut through the delusions and obstacles created by other beings; to essentially cut through the crap.
Well, right on, Alissa thought as she posted the image on her Instagram with a ton of blissy hashtags and the muscle arm emoji, the sushi, the sundae and the winky face.
It has been said that people tend to err on the side of the spiritual, when either their health or their heart perplexes them. So I ask around. I ask what everyone is up to when they don’t feel really UP at all. These are the sorts of things I here back;
“Oh I go to this one dance class on Broadway; one where I can whip around and they play a lot of African music.”
“I go where I can try to get back to my ME place.”
“I read. I read the news and then I read stuff like mysticmama.com or astrologyzone.net and try to look ahead in broader brushstrokes” Big picture stuff, they muse. I get suggestions about burning white candles and practicing TM and some acupuncturist called Pamela in the financial district who has the ability to wash the fear out of your heart chakra, with her attention to detail on certain pressure points. They say stuff like, “I turn to silence actually” which in theory sounds easier than we all know it to be and “when that doesn’t do the ticket I go to see June, my shrink in Fort Greene for improv stuff; acting it out and her trampoline.”
I get suggestions of Pink Berry too – that comes up a bit, something about frozen yoghurt and inner child stuff. Ballet Barre gets mentioned too. In particular some Hi-Octane instructor at the spot on West Broadway who plays a bunch of Taylor Swift, which they say, is particularly helpful in raising the positivity vibes. Bebop, gets mentioned and karaoke, “Belt it out”, they say and something about Bruce Springsteen and this too more specifically, “listen to Harold Budd’s Pavilion of Dreams if you feel lost, it makes the city really GO”. They talk about walking a bunch; pacing it out and looking up to remind oneself of the higher power. Tompkins get mentioned a bit, “I don’t even like dogs, but Tompkins Dog Park is a good one because you can go up there and you can look at all these people and their dogs and how they need those dogs to feel A okay and for some reason, I guess I feel better because of that,” they say.
And then they say this sort of stuff too, “Oh, I just repeat my personal mantra, ‘You are divine, you are divine’ and I drink juice and I hit all the spots like Dean and DeLuca and Barneys and the MoMA, all the safe spots. Happy place stuff.” Well la di da.
And I know as I write this, it feels like a lot, but then it feels less so, when I reread it. It actually feels pretty standard for the times. I dunno. Well I know this – the last time I felt really lost, clamp on my throat sinking, I just remember literally stuffing my laptop into my carry all and running over the Manhattan bridge in some old sandals right there and then to the The Cramps or Sister Ray or White Light White Heat – fist pumping.
I’m with Katy when she gets a text from Myff that has a link to an article from www.themind-unleashed.org. It’s titled Empaths Unite! Myff had sent the link to Katy, post their most recent reiki reading where Katy had wanted to explore and hoped to, in turn, heal the absurd emotional reactions to her that seemed to be on the reg. Katy was specifically confused as to why men seemed to respond erratically to her. For example, the last man she kissed had cried in her mouth. Later he wrote, apologising via DM, with an image of the ocean in what looked like the Sierra filter, namely citing an Iowaskan experience that had led to said vulnerability; something about heading to Cadaques and a sentence that both thanked her and called her a “tiny bit of a tease” in one bout. WTF Katy captioned the screenshot of the DM and sent it to a few of her friends. In response, the said link Myff sent, suggested a number of tips that Katy planned on putting into practice immediately to avoid more excursions and into such “empath experiences”. These included shielding her solar plexus and eating more high protein meals prior to engaging in social activities.
We used to drive as a family from Connecticut to Vermont for snow trip in the late eighties, where we learnt to ski in jeans and Roll Ups were considered a food group. I guess it was the period of my life when I first became aware of someone my folks would refer to as Guru Dev and it was the first sign of spirituality I was privy to growing up. Prior, I was ignorant to religion as such, other than a copy of The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran that my father had given me and a few simple ideas that were suggested to me about just being kind and open and loving yourself and steering clear of stuff like guns and drugs and tattoos – basic stuff. But on these drives, my folks would put on these guru tapes intermittently between any Andrew Lloyd Weber musical that was trending at the time like Cats or Les Mis, a bit of Graceland and a bunch of The Beatles. The tapes were recordings of Guru Dev talking about working Personal Miracles. They were steady and strange and he would say stuff like this,
“When you are positive about positive and positive about negative you are supremely positive and enter the yoga zone. This is called surrender. Surrender. Do you know how to surrender?
Don’t; please don’t pitch your tent at the power of positive thinking.
Accept both positive and negative. Polarity is presence.
When opposites are in harmony. Connect with the Prana. Surrender. Enter the love dimensions.”
It was a period when my mother would wear her Anthony Robbins t-shirt “Awaken the Giant within” a lot; a period when she spoke about yoga retreats and the time she walked barefoot on hot coals. Serenity Now stuff, and I would carry tourmaline in my pocket, a stone of psychic protection that had been given to me by my father, who by this time has started making leather diaries with motivational messages in them in his spare time and learning a new form of exercise, called The Joseph Technique which we would later refer to as Pilates.
I do remember during this period thinking my parents were pretty outta sight. I knew this sort of stuff wasn’t necessarily the norm. Looking back though, it doesn't even seem that loose. Perhaps this was just their go to, when they themselves were feeling like they needed to try and find their fucking mountain. I like that. It’s neat because it reminds us that we all go through the motions. We all try and make do, to make it matter.
Jenny wakes up and writes down what she remembers of her dream:
There were these two bunnies and a bluebird in my room. The bunnies were brown. The bird looked like an ice cream but was a bird. I was sleeping but I knew they were there and my bed was in the shape of a jukebox; one of the ones that has hits on it like The Cars and I’m your Teenage Prayer specifically and then some Bowie. My sheets were super fluffy like pillows of pavlova whipped around me. After a bit, I tried to let the bunnies out the window but they wouldn’t budge and I think I remember these mangoes in moms’ old bowl, cut up in the room. I’m allergic to mangoes, but I didn’t get hives. And you were there, looking like some sort of heaven. Of course you were. [Remember to tell Zip he was there. But he was German] We made out. Pashing felt good with you Zip. And then I ate the ice-cream/bluebird and I woke up feeling really guilty.
Later Jenny googles the meaning of bunnies and bluebirds in dreams and she learns mostly it’s all good omens coming her way; that they point to fertility and new sources of income and that the dreamer potentially might have fond Easter memories.
I ask Zane about his opinion on spiritually right now and London and he just laughs, “London is trippin’ on a whole other thing” he says. “London is like – you meet some super cute girl called Lakshmi, who seems sweet and good and right and who looks like she eats macro, local, bio whatevs, but by 8 is pulling out a bag and saying stuff like, lets get it.”
“Okay, never mind”, I say.
Melinda Lee Holm lives in Silver Lake and when Sara first met her at a fondue party in Santa Monica she was drawn to her presence, partly for the pounds of raw Brazilian healing stones that were strewn around her neck and partly because she wore a badge that read “Witches Get Shit Done”. When they meet at her place round the bend on Fairfax a few later, on New Year’s Eve day for a reading, Sara describes feelings of elation just being in Melinda’s aura at such a fortuitous time. A crystal specialist and daytime staff member at Spellbound Sky, Melinda prescribes Sara some meditation practice, post their tarot reading. She also makes Sara a necklace that contains rubies and pink quartz strung together with a bunch of Melinda’s energy and some simple instructions to activate it that involved burning sage and letting the moon kiss it at night. Sara reports to her friends that post rubbing her crystal compound, she felt instantly more feminine and fierce and that the cloak over her eyes felt like it was finally being drawn away. Dropping away. 2015, thank fuck.
Annie is at dinner, on a date actually, down on Division, when her psychic finally hits her back.
Psychic CC: LOLing hard. Mars is in Pisces doll
Annie: ?????
Psychic CC: BRB
Annie: Wait! Just tell me this… IS he 4 real?
Psychic CC: Hang on let me chk.
Annie: 😇
Psychic CC: Ok you can proceed, LOL
Annie: 100%?
Psychic CC: Call – i’ll send you a PayPal link asap ;)
Annie: But I’m with him right now…
Psychic CC: LOL
Annie goes to the bathroom to call the hotline 165 LosAnglesOOO after buying the link on the restaurants Wi-Fi all whilst sharing the Veggie Big Bowl with Jim and hearing about his holiday. She finds talking to Psychic CC soothing and motivating and even though they have never technically met CC is a great soundboard for reassessing things. “Keep it moving’!” is one of her taglines and Annie likes to hear it.
Later that night she and Jim go back to his. CC said a union between them was radiating good light plus Annie always feels best when she stays present. You know, it connects with the moment, connects with the company she is keeping and tries not to think ahead – aside from consulting with Psychic CC – which she doesn’t see as problematic because really CC is just a reflection of her own inner voice. Right?
Later, the next day, when Annie is wondering what will happen next, she reaches out.
Annie: PS. THANK YOU!!!! Transcendence!
Psychic CC: xoxoxo
Annie: Exciting?!????
Annie: Hello?
Driving down Montana I see a sign that reads Peace, Prana & Blowout’s. It’s for a salon fusion one-stop shop and I know then it’s time to go back home.
Later back in the city, Spencer and I meet on my roof to burn some underpants for the new moon in the New Year. We write some things down first on paper and draw a few things and when Spencer looks at me, like “what’s next”, I improvise by putting on some Ravi Shankar and teach her the Haka – the Maori warrior chant they cry at the rugby, prior to a big match. The Haka has feet stomping and tongue out gestures and is pretty tribal. Shit is pretty brutal. So we go up on my roof, this night, both maybe ready to be rescued, and we do the Haka and we burn our knickers on Eldridge before chucking what’s left over our shoulders and out into the sky.
“Right”, Spencer says, and looks at me hard and I find myself thinking, yes. Right. NOW WHAT. So I just say this, “Let’s just look up for a bit and see what happens.”
Later that night she and Jim go back to his. CC said a union between them was radiating good light plus Annie always feels best when she stays present. You know, it connects with the moment, connects with the company she is keeping and tries not to think ahead – aside from consulting with Psychic CC – which she doesn’t see as problematic because really CC is just a reflection of her own inner voice. Right?
Later, the next day, when Annie is wondering what will happen next, she reaches out.
Annie: PS. THANK YOU!!!! Transcendence!
Psychic CC: xoxoxo
Annie: Exciting?!????
Annie: Hello?
Driving down Montana I see a sign that reads Peace, Prana & Blowout’s. It’s for a salon fusion one-stop shop and I know then it’s time to go back home.
Later back in the city, Spencer and I meet on my roof to burn some underpants for the new moon in the New Year. We write some things down first on paper and draw a few things and when Spencer looks at me, like “what’s next”, I improvise by putting on some Ravi Shankar and teach her the Haka – the Maori warrior chant they cry at the rugby, prior to a big match. The Haka has feet stomping and tongue out gestures and is pretty tribal. Shit is pretty brutal. So we go up on my roof, this night, both maybe ready to be rescued, and we do the Haka and we burn our knickers on Eldridge before chucking what’s left over our shoulders and out into the sky.
“Right”, Spencer says, and looks at me hard and I find myself thinking, yes. Right. NOW WHAT. So I just say this, “Let’s just look up for a bit and see what happens.”